It always upset me when fellow bloggers stopped commenting once they had success. They still read but said that it didn't feel right to comment anymore. I never understood that and missed hearing their thoughts.
Having had success myself I now do. I get scared when leaving comments of support, especially for those who don't know me or my history, that they will click on me in a fragile state and stumble across a mother of twins blog. Saying I can relate entirely to what a childless, infertile couple is saying just doesn't seem right anymore.
I will never, ever forget what I have been through but I can't say that having children hasn't softened the blow of infertility and needing assisted conception.
A friend stated that life after infertility to her is like living in limbo. I can relate to that. You join a mothers group and listen to how they cried during their entire pregnancy as it wasn't planned. Or how they are pregnant again a few months post birth. You still don't feel comfortable liaising with the typical fertile community.
Then there are your friends who have been your rock over the countless amount of years you all struggled to conceive. Most of whom you originally met through an online community. You have to let some of them go as you no longer share the same level of pain and anger they do. Your new family of four is poles apart from painfully still ticking the married with no children box. The reality is that not everyone can have kids. It's selfish to force them to stay in contact with you.
Your friends of the future are just too damn fertile and your friends of the past can't overcome the infertility bridge that you managed to cross.
I haven't felt comfortable blogging about my girls like we are any other ordinary couple. I still feel like a parenting fraud. Every day I look at them and say to DH "Holy shit, there are two of them". When did we go from two to four.
One of my major fears about IVF was actually getting pregnant. I was worried that I would then be left with the only child scenario. I've seen beautiful friends go through secondary infertility with their child constantly asking when they would be getting a sibling. It breaks my heart to think of. I have twins. I have escaped this pain. If we were to transfer our remaining frostie I would be TTC #3!!! That sounds ridiculous. How could I rightly rejoin the infertile community going for number three.
Over the years a few people online have spewed out the old "secondary infertility is worse than primary infertility as you know what you are missing out on". That is complete bullshit. Thinking you are never going to have kids cannot compare.
This post has gone in an entirely different direction in which I intended so I think I should just stop there. My titles no longer makes sense. I will be back with a post dedicated entirely to me, lol.
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15 comments:
I appreciate you thinking of the rest of us hon. But please don't ever stop commenting on my blog. I may be bitter and twisted, but I'll never forget your support during some dark times
I feel the same way in the opposite scenario - when bloggers I've read for a long time cross over to the parenting side of things I often feel like I can't say anything meaningful since I'm not a parent. I don't stop reading though. On my own blog, support and other comments are much appreciated no matter who the commenter is.
I'm there with you. Even though I know I was at this place when I started blogging. We were trying to give my daughter a sibling when I started blogging. But she is also a product of IF treatments and we were married for 6 years with never using birth control of any kind from day 1 before she was able to come along. I remember clearly my 6 years of primary infertility of 9 years of secondary infertility and they all pretty much sucked. Although I had anxiety attacks when we would visit new neices and nephews before our daughter came along. When we were trying to have a sibling for her I was at least consoled by having her.
And I don't think it's ridiculous for you to rejoin the IF community if you try again. Pain is pain. IF is IF, no matter what.
Even now that we are finished with our journey to try to have more children, I will always consider myself an infertile.
Oh my love, you have well and truly earnt the right to blog as much as you want about your girls!
Don't ever feel like a parenting fraud. You are an inspriation to infertile couples everywhere, someone to look up to and someone to give hope.
Please don't stop commenting on my blog.
xx
I understand, totally. It makes sense.
Personally, I would like a do-over at a normal pregnancy, but that must mark me as mental.
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I completely agree. I still read my regulars, but comment less & post much less.
I understand what you mean about the "fraudulent" parenting. I hold him & relish each bit because I know this may very well be our only baby. I'm sure my church has heard enough of it, but I am absolutely amazed & grateful for the miracle I have been given.
And the mommy groups are nice. But, I still feel so bitter when receiving news of someone else getting pregnant. I can't help it. I wonder if I will ever not be angry @ the ease of other's conceptions...
Loved the post. Please, post more. I promise I will try to. :)
You said everything that I am feeling & thinking, but couldn't put into words as good as you have.
xo
Infertility is Infertility whether you are ttc#1 or #10. It is the same agonising journey, with each failed cycle pushing one deeper and deeper into despair.
The thinking that 'you have one you should be grateful' grates on my nerves though.
Sure, it is a blessing to have atleast 1 child BUT I don't think that because one has managed to have a child despite infertility, that they should be cast aside by those whom are still childless struggling with infertility.
Oh dear, I hope that made sense....
I wanted to pop in and say hello again after MIA since having a prem bub in 2008. Afraid Blog land hasn't been my priority. I just wanted to say congratulations on the twins and I use to follow you all the time and I am going to again as I feel it's time to start my blogging again.
I'll be back to do a hugh catch up!!
Shazz
xoxo
So so true Imy :)
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Well said Imy & frankly my dear I think you should say more both blogging & commenting ;)
Personally I continued making blog comments both here and in online buddy groups, simply because I couldn't forget the support that was offered to me during PIF. As much as I felt my words were nothing at times, I hoped that my friends would know the good intention behind them.
As for limbo land - I wonder when that actually ends?? I've endured 3 girls from mothers group announcing and having their babies and although the sting is more like a graze on my heart rather than a gaping wound while PIF, it's still a sting none-the-less. And what's worse is the talk around your problems of concieving because they just don't know how to ask you out right and don't feel comfortable doing so, you can feel their awkwardness.
Infertility truly sucks. PIF. SIF. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Take care & are you & Dave considering TTC#3???
You don't have to force me, I've been here all along! :O)
I am a struggling infertile and a (hopefully) soon to be adoptive mommy and I can't imagine how much of a fraud I will feel like when I have my baby girl from Taiwan. I couldn't get a bfp so I go buy a baby from another country?
PS That I don't actually feel as if I am buying a baby, but I do feel like that is how people look at us sometimes.
I don't even really know what I just said to you. That post just really connected with me. I have never read a word of your blog before today.
Awesome post Imogem. Explained better than I have ever read.
I think the blow of infertility and needing AC is softened as it became a means to a definite reward.
And I totally agree secondary infertility being worse will only ever be said by those who never suffered primary infertility in the first place.
I consider myself as suffering secondary IF but daily thank God for it being secondary and not still primary.
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